Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Addie Pray That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Yeah.. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. , silver_dragon_girl for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. but you have to talk to him about it. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. But Im talking about my family. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. leilani It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. BGM never agrees with the woman. I am curious of yalls ages though. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Have you tried just not going? and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. LW, how about writing back with the details? January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth Your problem is thinking you can change him. A movie? I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. 1. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Thats what next times are for! Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. No, not necessarily. im kind of confused. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. hops the bus and goes straight home. Please see my post below.. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Then you need a different boyfriend. It sounds codependent to me. Just because I didnt want to start over again. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. That was my first thought. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. I just dont understand this concept. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. bluesunday My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. I agree with you both. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. You go along with him to his familys house. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Pay careful attention to his reaction. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. Those conversations should have happened before. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. This is how children are taught. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. Youve been together four months. Starting over! Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. lets_be_honest Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. What way would you not want it to be? I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. husband goes to his parents every weekend. I can understand both sides. muchachaenlaventana ReginaRey Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Blondie Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. The evening must be spent together as well? I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. ele4phant He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Im in the same situation as well. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Five months later I was pregnant. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. I am afraid for humanity. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. Laura Hope I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. Ktfran They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Get out and DO something. This is something about him that will likely never change. 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Asked if we could murder his folks bucket is $ 9 him for three?.
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