My friend was not receptive to this type of hang-out (she is the kind who shame-cleans SO HARD, so I think an unannounced visit is a tiny version of Hell for her). Thanks for the reply, thats really helpful to think about. They may have to entertain an unwanted guest when they'd rather be doing something else. thats okay. It hadnt occurred to me that it would come across that way, and Im sorry. And if Im definitely not in the mood to hang out, its painfully awkward for everyone involved if I have to ask you to go away. So maybe but I guess will never know. Sometimes people will ask me this less than two hours after the original making of the plan. Also, partners hometown friends live near Vacation Place, and they frequently call him to ask when were going to be there, and then theyll just invite themselves out for a couple of days. But having grown up in the country, where you werent likely to be going past Auntie Janes house that frequently so why not stop and say hello while youre going past, I have felt mildly hurt when this doesnt happen. And then Shut. He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. Ive disabled Hangouts on all my devices. I told her that she needs to call before visiting and she basically said if she did that either mom or myself would say no, so shes just going to continue showing up. I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. Maybe in the past they've spent time with these people, but have felt ignored or left out, or like they were quiet and boring. Im hungry too. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. I would add one small nugget. I used to live in a basement apartment. *deep breaths* Its like the whole late/early thing. If he is informed properly ahead of time he wont be able to cancel on you with some lame excuse that he has had other plans, that his apartment is messy or that you have not told him prior to that. You don't need a whole lot of luggage, and it might be a little scary if he sees you lugging in an entire makeup counter. Some people get really ticked off about the idea that I can CHOOSE whether to answer my door/phone/text/email, and that just not wanting to interact at that moment is a good enough reason not to answer.. I can! As someone who NEEDS a lot of being-away-from-other-humans time, I am deeeeeply unhappy when someone just shows up at my door. Also door-to-door scamsters, like the kind who would find my grandmother alone at home and give her a long high-pressure spiel about a fake charity until she wrote them a cheque for thousands of dollars. It happens in Chicago, too, and I hate it (although Im used to it). Or just the opposite could happen, and it may be a bad move to invite yourself to an outing where that kind of thing is commonly okay. A random person? I poured out my heart. Side note in regards to the hosting habit as something that is not done AT other people but is really about the host: Remember those episodes of FRIENDS when they switched apartments and Monica was desperate to have people come to the apartment she was in because she loved being the one who hosted? The joy I get out of hostessing is why I do it. My friends are well aware that they can show up. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. But Ill try and get better about using my words too. Don't just say, "I was thinking I could come over on Friday." Movies are dark and great for making out, and you won't risk giving him the wrong impression. And thats really the hard part. in the 3 weeks since I broke it off I have been trying to solve the problem of why someone would treat another person this way. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. Also works for anything else youve been asked to schedule in advance. My son, who is 7, has a best friend at school that he adores. People who dont shouldnt be dropping by anyway. But I guess this goes hand in hand with another (also common in my social circles) practice, that of regularly making tentative plans that are never executed. An ex-partner of mine used to plan their scheduling (work, social and romantic) very tightly. After years away from it, I think we were (at best) incompatible in certain ways. This is the more direct method. DO: Mind your children. Im still trying to find the adult language to be, like, NO, your roommate-with-whom-I-am-only-casually-acquainted is NOT automatically also invited when you come visit and stay in my apartment in my new city, h-how, why, why would you think that would be the case? butmore kindly. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. Ahaha. But, as M. explained, if there is no specific time indicated, it is not an actual invitation, just an expression of being glad to see each other and intending to make plans to hang out soonish. Its not that hard not to bring occasions to which another person wasnt invited in front of them. It reminds me of waiting in for a parcel, or the electrician. I usually dont got to bed until 3 or 4, but after 9 or 10 Im usually not prepared to leave or entertain without serious incentive or an established plan. If someone hosts a party, Im tired, is a pretty universal sign to wrap things up. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. I think Im so hung up on this(and really, I am; I obsess over it) because when I was a teenager, I was quite unpopular. Even if it was their idea. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. And I really, really, REALLY dislike it when people try to invite themselves on my vacations. Dont just show up. Pick up stray underwear and small rolly toys that might result in a death if someone tripped over them? I am generally the organiser of things in my social life and I normally follow the ask twice guideline that the Captain mentions with the occasional rinse and repeat in a month or two if I hear nothing and still want to see that person. When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. Other people, other times in my life, not so much. Theyre terribly nice like that they understand that it makes me uncomfortable, and so they dont put me in that position anymore. Yes to this Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. and my shame level is much much higher and so I never have people over without a sometimes-tearful marathon clean that leaves me too exhausted to enjoy it. True, it is rude to ask about money with new acquaintances, but this someone who had in the past gone over every detail of her budget with me and to whom Id loaned money and given money to so she could visit. Ragey is right! I dont know why, still. I recommend Using Your Words: I was raised that its rude to assume Im invited to something just because its being discussed in my presence. #711: Is it rude or wrong to invite myself to someones house? But he won't care and that won't matter to him. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? Okay, then, (and I do appreciate being included finally!) so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. But with this one friend, all you really need to know is what SHE prefers. I feel a bit more strongly than you about being someones hug person. You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. Best house guests EVER. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. Customize an invitation for a birthday party, baby shower, or holiday celebration, and deliver instantly by text message or email. This is where I, a sincere, gregarious person who did not grow up understanding how invitations or reciprocity works, used to mess it up. Just as we should all do our best to remember that judging people for a less-than-Monica-level clean home is not OK, its also sort of uncool to judge the Monicas of the world. You may also send him a quick text message expressing your excitement to meet him and casually confirm the date ahead of time to verify the arrangements are still on track. A lot of people were raised in families where avoidance of awkward situations is the only model they know, so they just dont have the communication tools to do anything else. That seems like a perfect little interaction to me, am I missing something? How to get invited without asking If someone is talking about plans around you, you can try to drop hints to prompt them to invite you. Instead, find out what activities they like, and invite them to do something you both enjoy. (Everyone else gets vacuuming if absolutely necessary, plus some spaces to sit down cleared off.). Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. My room was never a safe space, my parents would randomly trash it, tearing posters down, tossing the place for evidence of fuck knows what, then throw out all of my stuff. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. I hate it when someone else does. Its come to the point where I feel like I have to leave the curtains drawn and basically hide in the house all day. Also, the very few times Ive had someone text because they were walking by, they usually invited me down for a walk, rather than inviting themselves up into my space. ! like, uhh, at home because I thought the plans were canceled since you never got back to me.. There are exceptions, lots of them. I am old enough and have talked myself through this sort of thing enough, and busy enough with my own life, that I generally respond to we went out and did this fun thing we didnt invite you to by saying oh, really, that sounds nice! and I mean it. Like you could ask how about a homemade meal and the latest movie at your place on Saturday night?It takes guts to ask that question and be sure to know what to wear to his place for dinner. But I wanted to say it isnt as simple as saying people with anxiety must have hated that prior culture. want to come down and get food? and its not a problem (or at worst ill say, whoa still in bed but come up and ill get dressed and then we can go.) and ive had friends who say you walked by my apartment? LW, as a general rule (at least in most parts of North America and Europe), I think youll usually be safe with these guidelines: dont just show up at someones house (unless theyve told you they like when people do that) and dont be the one to suggest you go to your friends house (unless youre quite close or theyve told you they like that). But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. As you can tell from examples in this thread, there are lots of different preferences on stopping by, and lots of ways for miscommunication to happen but none of them justify yelling, sarcasm, or belittling. A poignant reminder of how people often desperately cling to the shreds of a relationship, even though they probably already know in their heart that it has already slipped away. Age group and environment probably matters too. You know this, I'm sure . I think your expectations of either a welcome reception or a non-angry shoot sorry, didnt get your email, can you come back in an hour? are absolutely spot on and that what you did was in no way bad manners. On the individual level as well. If you enter an already-going conversation specifically about a wedding I dont think you can claim that the topic is there to taunt you about what youre missing out on. PLEASE CALL ME. If a bunch of people are meeting at a bar at a certain time, it's usually fine to say you may be there as well. VIOLA PARADISE. Im also a huge introvert, but I dont care if people show up at my work because work is People Time. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. Issue one invitation, and whether its accepted or turned down, wait for one from her before issuing another. Ask him if it is cool to come over or if he would keep you company while your friends come back. In desperation, I basically self-diagnosed as autistic and followed the advice I found on the Internet I just started to straight-up name what I saw and ask about it. "The White House has invited me & I think it's a step in the right direction. Oh, Ill come round to yours on Sunday at 3pm! becomes me and the husband anxiously Cleaning All the Things and then she doesnt turn up until half 5, by which time were usually gearing up to prepare the evening meal! If you drop by unannounced you have deprived me of my sea shell soap and my famous bourbon blondies! Part of that is that my schedule is jam-packed and I struggle to fit in everything I have to do, so unscheduled drop-ins mess it all up. Thank you for saying that. But you were not invited to this house for dinner and the fact that I am able to feed the person I am dating when they come over does not mean I am able or willing to extend my food budget to cover whatever rando happens to turn up at the door. So, if you like a guy and want to invite yourself over to his place, then there are many tips you can try. I have been very firm that we can invite her friends to our home or to a public place like a park but we cant tell them we are coming to them. I didnt know what to do and chased after her. The end. Of course we told them no. Possibly its an age thing or a location thing. If you cant, at least call to update me! understanding the ENTIRE backstory to the feeling Ask him if he has any dessert requests, but don't ask him to buy half the ingredients for the dinner. I can see the conflict between desires, but it seems like it might be easier or at least less violating for people who want unexpected visitors to encourage them to drop by whenever than for people who dislike it to tell people to go away. Been there, done that. Ive struggled with that, too. I am an introvert. I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. [4] "You're all talk. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. By agreeing on brutal honesty we can both have a good time while were having it, and end it when were not. I am not good at dealing with such people. So, yeah, dont do that. Then shell stay for an hour and a half!! Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. I just had my birthday party, so I had a bunch of friends over last weekend, and my apartment hasnt been so clean since.I threw my birthday party last year, I think. Lets see I have body pump at ten stop at the store home at noon, shower yeah how about one, one thirty? do not show up at 12:30. I completely plan to be where we said, when we said! With only girls? ". People actually try to invite themselves on your vacations? When can you ask again, if ever? Maybe it was never normal for others. organized? The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. There was a short and unpleasant phone conversation, and I mailed her a new invite. Personally, Im totally fine with friends just showing up at my house. Even before then shes become increasingly distant and Ive been getting the impression that if Im not in her life in a certain way, she doesnt have space for me.. So I think it has a context where its useful. they just didnt want me there. Just ask them what they are doing the night of the event then say "oh cool" or something like that then keep talking about it until they invite you. You just have to use your words to figure out what works for your own personal social circle. Its what I try to do, thats when the comments about being silly comes in. You get a girl's number and then do nothing with it! Its never occurred to me that anyone would find it rude! You ask him/her to see each other and . That suggestion is for adults who dont know each other all that well, not close friends like your son and T., and not children. Also, your tone is coming across as really abrasive and dismissive, just so youre aware. NONE OF THE REST OF YOU ARE INVITED. They dont see the big picture, as the big picture conflicts with their fantasy. I really, really need time to myself, and someone showing up to my house unexpectedly, no matter what, makes me feel uncomfortable and encroached upon. I cant wait until we have the house finished so I can start locking the door again. STOP THAT, PEOPLE. Itsnot good, despite his many other qualities, and so far the rest of us in this particular social circle have mainly tried to just preemptively account for it in our planning and roll our eyes at each other behind his back. It can be terrifying to have an unexpected knock on the door. Even if Britney WAS DD as well, that wouldnt be the issue, and bringing in suggestions that shes just like a three-year-old are weird and ableist. Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. My boyfriend usually texts me to let me know when he arrives because the social dance of, Hi, Im here for your daughter The house I grew up in had a dining room (which was also the lounge) and a sitting room (which was more formal and if there werent guests youd only go in there specifically for quiet time). As always, excellent advice Captain! Even my parents call before coming over, and the only times Ive said no are when I was too sick or exhausted to want to see them. Even if the person talking about the fun thing is a close friend, I clarify whether Im wanted there, and I try to do so in a way that doesnt sound like Im angling for an invitation. I think Id be really bothered and upset by someone showing up to my house unannounced, or even my dorm room/building/suite. Potluck I need to bring an homemade dish to? Just stop trying. They wonder if they should take charge and ask if they can come along, but they're also worried that everyone doesn't actually want them there. No kidding. And will happily cook a meal for unexpected guests because she enjoys doing it. . If someone is going to visit my home, I need enough notice to get myself and the main areas of the house decent before they turn up. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. His sister got to the point of being able to call a friend to arrange a play date around age 9. You should wash all the dishes and clean the dirty parts of the floor. I moved a year ago partially to be closer to friends; after making suggestions and having them declined or canceled at the last minute, over and over again, Ive told the Brom that if hes offered a transfer out of state, Ill start packing today. I definitely feel like there are certain things I shouldnt have to tell people no about, justified or not. Give him ample notice before the proposed hangout time. For me, its a bit like physical contact boundaries. 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